Life is a Paradox

It was New Year’s Eve of 2018. I was at a concert by myself in Atlanta. The largest single floor, indoor concert I’ve been to. An overwhelming 22,000 people packed into a basement. Across the sea of the crowd I found no water stations. It was extremely hot with everyone dancing.

I nearly died from a heat stroke that night. I was revived in the medic tent and ended up in the hospital. Other people did die that night. I was blessed to live.

As my consciousness hovered over my body watching them revive me, I begged to live. Even though the beauty of the light above (where I felt was home) was so enticing, I wanted to stay. I had more to offer and experience here, so I renounced life as I knew it. I made a pact with my higher self and promised to live my life in devotion to help alleviate the suffering of humanity.

At the time I had left the mental health field. I was burnt out by the cruelties I witnessed over four years as a therapist for children. Now I promised to return to the field and my therapy practice. To never stop being in service to the healing and wellness of others. No more half-assing life and throwing my soul's purpose away on partying.

I was granted another chance. And I did leave my life as I knew it. I started over. 

I ended all my friendships, ended my lifestyle in the music and bar scene, and went sober. I meditated, rehabbed, and healed myself for four months until I was ready to re-enter the world as a more true me.

During my near death experience (NDE) everything was crystal clear to me when I was tethered to my body and merged with my conscious awareness. I was able to reconcile Life and Death. I did return to my human self though, so I’m limited in conveying what I experienced. It’s difficult to put words to something so beyond us, but I’ll try. A lot stayed with me. My NDE transformed me at a cellular level.

I understood how life is a paradox. Seemingly contradictory and logically unacceptable. 

When my awareness merged with my soul and was enraptured with Source, I understood we come from unconditional love. All lies of humanity burned away. 

I saw the true battle here on Earth is Fear versus Love. The illusion of separation from our Source of love.

This deep knowing was my anchor amidst my rocky and confusing healing process (when I rehabbed and hermited myself the months after).

Everyday I practice choosing love, faith, and trust, while honoring my human grief and releasing fear.

There is no “wrong” and “bad” beyond our 3D life on Earth. And yet on Earth, there is. Because we make it so.

What we believe, becomes true. This is the concept of the matrix. Consciousness programming and creating life.

There is an overlay of religious conditioning here on Earth causing mind tricks. Manipulative distorted energy. Conditioning around good and evil, heaven and hell. This imprint distorts our blueprint of eternal love and internal power.

We’re taught this idea that heaven comes after life, instead of heaven being available to us now. Conditioned to give up our own power and agency to a higher power, instead of co-creating together. We’re domesticated to not take responsibility for our life, and instead wait for someone to come save us. We’re indoctrinated into the parasites of the ‘victim’ and 'judge,' which feed Fear.

Society says there is good and bad, and right and wrong. So when things go as we want, it’s good. We did something right. When things are not as we want, it’s bad. We did something wrong. This creates fragmentation within us through judgement, shaming, and blaming. This is the level of spirituality we incarnate into. Duality. Black and white thinking.

However, all is one. This perceived duality and polarization connects back to Source, merges into oneness.

We start questioning life when we have our first spiritual awakening. Why are we here? Is there a point to life? Is there a God? Am I being rewarded or punished?

But what if everything is “God” or “Goddess?”

Everything comes from and leads back to Source. 

Negative is positive, and positive is negative. Two sides of the same coin. Yin and Yang mixed.

The shadow of the light, both connected, part of the whole source.

So we’re playing this game of duality here on Earth, but the truth is creation is beyond duality. There are three faces of God/Goddess. Three forces in creation; active, passive, and neutral. A triangle. Two opposing forces (left and right, active and passive) reconciled with the tension of a third neutralizing force.

If you’ve read up to this point, I appreciate you. I know this can be a lot to follow. You don’t need to make sense of it all. Your mind doesn’t need to “figure it out.” Just let it marinate. Take what resonates and discard what doesn’t.

Let it settle and allow the seeds to naturally emerge in your consciousness. To notice what you begin to notice.

What if you didn’t judge everything?

Can you embrace neutrality?

Does accepting the illusion of control scare you or free you?

We are limited as humans, and limitless as souls. Your soul is meant to have a human experience.

What if to ascend is to descend? 

To honor and connect to our celestial expansiveness, is to embody and honor our body and this earth. 

Can you hold the paradox of life? 

That’s when it becomes lighter. More peaceful.

Things are not neatly labeled into boxes. Our ego wishes for this because it thinks it can then control things. But our soul doesn’t want that. They long for deep love and magic.

Life is an ever emerging, connected, and unfolding mystery. That’s the magic of it. Let it delight you with surprise.

I’m madly in love with life, for its mystery makes love to my soul. And sometimes I just have to radically accept it.